i thought that you would have took the initiative to do it.
but i should have guessed,
how wrong i was, so terribly wrong.
i shouldnt have been so gullible,
i should have known.
i was lying to myself,
i tried to delude myself,
i tried to make me feel happy.

but i should have known,
that it would not have worked out the way i wanted it to be,
so why continue deceiving myself?

when i know that i'm going to get hurt in the end?
everything i've sacrificed,

just isnt worth it anymore.


cant believe i fell sick.
shit. T__T


had fnn today.
its like.. a pile of SHIT.
actually it isnt that bad, it wasnt that difficult either.

studied till 1 yesterday.
dad scolded me for studying too long.
now, thats a history,
never in my life i've heard my dad scolding me for studying too long.
i secretly took my fnn textbook,
brought it to my bedroom,
off the lights,
changed my hp's option,
the backlight, from 30 seconds to 10 mins,
and started revising in the dark.

i dont know why,
i'm super afraid about my fnn papers.
i didnt want to flunk it, esp fnn (:

about half of what i've studied,
didnt come out.
instead, what i didnt read came out.

overall, it was quite okay.


i hate it whenever you guys leave me alone.
not them,
them.
her.
he.
you only came to me when you did not have someone to hang out with.
it sucks lah,
it seems like i've been used by you guys.
i dread going to elective lessons.
PUI!


thanks suhayl,
i really needed that today..
thanks for cheering me up!
thanks again (:


FUCK YOU ISMAIL.
FUCK YOU.
STOP THE FUCKING LANGUAGE OF YOURS,
STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE'S SIZE,
NOW, WHY DONT YOU GO CRAWLING BACK TO THE FUCKING HOUSE OF YOURS,
INSTEAD OF JUST LOITERING AT MY HOUSE'S VOID DECK,
SMOKING, I SUPPOSE?
DONT YOU HAVE YOUR MALAY LANGUAGE TMR?
FUCK YOU,
SERIOUSLY,
FUCK YOU, STOP SAYING PEOPLE FAT.
KNN. YOU MAKE ME FUMMING MAD.


choices are what you've made,
what you've decided in the end.
so dont come crying to me if yours failed.
i dont fricking care.


may i have the last dance?

To every broken heart in here
Love was once a part, but now it's disappeared
She told me that it's all a part of the choices that you're making
Even when you think you're right
You have to give to take

But there's still tomorrow
Forget the sorrow
And I can be on the last train home
Watch it pass the day
As it fades away
No more time to care
No more time, today

But we sing
If we're going nowhere
Yeah we sing
If it's not enough
And we sing
Sing without a reason
To ever fall in love

I wonder if you're listening
Picking up on the signals
Sent back from within
Sometimes it feels like I don't really know whats going on
Time and time again it seems like everything is wrong in here.


paper 1 was quite okay.
except for the 2 stinking graphs that we were told to sketch out.
initally, i was correct,
but, i've changed it during the last minute.
OH FUCK.
1 mark lost.

i should have trust my first instincts.
oh what the hell.

paper 2 suck like hell.
once mdm chang came in the class,
the whole class's hands were up in the air,
sending a sos to mdm chang.
HA!
including me of cos.

i prefer 20 questions for 50 marks than 6 marks for 50 marks.


combined hum. tmr
i was practically reading the WHOLE chapter of history again.
i prefer social studies to history,
social studies is much more interesting than history.


i was super hyper yesterday.
i couldnt sleep.
i kept thinking that there was a wide-eyed ghost with its wide-opened mouth opened beside me, watching my every move.
ahhh.. my imagination..
how lame..


2 down,
2 more orals and 5 more papers to go


i guess i cant change history cant i?
i guess i cant find out the truth cant i?
i guess i cant really understand what has been going on cant i?
i guess fantasies arent meant to be a reality huh?



so i,
close my eyes,
let the whole thing pass me by.

may 1st.
time flies..
i just remembered,
i was hoping to get to know him during the dec holis
well, my wish came true
it happened in jan :D


i just got some shocking news,
not that shocking to you guys,
but shocking to me,
happened about a few days ago..

most people knew who i was refering to,
in 1 of my previous entry,
about that girl and that guy.
i think the word, "that" sounds mean.
so i'll rephrase it,
"she and he"
oh well..
i am abit TOO obvious in my words.

i apologise.
i doubt that you'll reading this but yeah,
sorry.


i shall blog happy stuffs from now on.
at least, i'll try to blog some happy stuffs.

mummy bought me a new notebook,
a really really thick one.
a black coloured one.

i have used up 4 thick ones from the starting of this year till now.
heh.. i love "spamming" my notebooks (:

i seriously hate those people from other countries adding me in msn,
namely,
nigerian, china, texas, new orlean, united states.. etc etc.
i'm NOT being racist or anything.
but, out of 40 people who have added me,
10% are perverts.
20% are irritating me.

PERVERTS.

"Joyce, wo ai ni!"
"wanna see my huge dick?"
"*Nudge*"
"*Nudge*"
"*Nudge*"
"*Nudge*"
"can you reply me?"
"can talk to me?"
"are you there?"
"are you from singapore?"
"oh you are so cute!"

quoted by them.

I AM NOT CUTE FOR GOD SAKE,
SOUNDS SO YUCKY WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT.

i cannot stand people who keeps nudging me,
no, i do not hate people who nudge me.
but for people whom i do NOT know,
dont nudge me for people i dont know,
i'll get mad, and i'll block you.
hoho.

once again,
I'M NOT A RACIST.
thats why i blocked them.

one of them even showed his THING in his display picture.
EW, EW, EW, EW!!


having E maths on tues, which is tmr.
i'm gonna work hard and pass it!
yay me!


i'm turning in.
its 0204 now.

bye people!

i shall be a nice person,
i shall be kind and understanding,
i shall save the previous post as a draft.
i know that i shouldnt swear all the time, but,
i'm used to it (:

i shouldnt be mad over such trivial matters.
yes, bad for my health too.


thanks to people whom i dont know..
like,
jessica, anon. and anonymous.
i've heard jessie spoke of jessica.
but i cant remember.
heh..

i shant be bothered by this types of things.

i've said before, and i shall say it once again,

i shall put this problems aside,
concentrate on my MYE.


good luck people! :D

apparently, some people dont really like what i've blogged.
as i've said a thousand million times,

BLOGS ARE PERSONAL DIARIES,
WHATEVER OWNERS FELT OR THEY HAVE THEIR PERSONAL VIEWS ON STUFFS,
DONT BOTHER TELLING THEM OFF.
IT WILL JUST MAKE MATTERS WORSE.

i shall make it clear now.


yes, although i dont know that particular girl, but, its just little little details that i've found out. so what if i dont know the entire story? so what if i've mistaken the whole concept? so what if i put words into people's mouth? you seriously dont know much about him and me.. thats what i think. i do try to smile everyday and make everyday the best out of it. do you even know that fact? do you see me crying and showing black faces everyday in school? that is, if you see me in school. i smile through my darkest times. if you seriously do not believe me, go on, ask my friends. shall i name them? oh yes, you know their names already. go on, ask them..

i've cut myself, indeed i did. i'm hurting myself, not hurting you. so why bother? I NEVER SLIT MY WRISTS. slitting my wrists is STUPID. now, about my sister. i dont really know what's going with her. nor she tells me about it.. how funny, she dont tell her problems to her siblings, instead, she tells people whom she detests. my mum cried. she hasnt found out about my problems.. and she never will. i have low self esteem, i think negative thoughts. i DO NOT cry physically, i do not show people my weakness, i do not and i will NEVER CRY INFRONT OF PEOPLE. i admit, i did not cry when i heard the story, i just feel sad. thats all. and for your info, i'm NOT crying now. i do not like people to pity me either.

looks can be deceiving. i'm refering to my friend. she have changed ever since we told her about her weak points. she have changed alot.. to a good one. she's a role model for me to follow now. she ticks me off, she gives me advices.. but, do you?

i am mad at my dad. that was yesterday's matter. but wait a second, do you even know my dad? i shall not rant about my dad and will not bad mouth him.

i shall say, i still DO like him alot. alright?


i shall put this problems aside,
concentrate on my MYE.

goodbye.

i've decided to post. (:


i've found out everything.
guess wad i've found out?
the reason why he wanna get into that particular JC.
i know about everything,
sad to say,
every little single detail.

everytime i spoke about it, i'll be so miserable inside.
i'll be crying inside.

sometimes,
the truth just hurts.


had english today.
everything sucked..
i had to rewrite my WHOLE compo cause' its too messy,
with all the correction tape.

the 2 compres sucked too.
i did my summary at the last minute.
dint look at the clock..
oh, how dumb.


just for an update;
i've scored 20/25 for my fnn practical test.
yay! =)


she has really changed alot.
not in a negative,
but suprisingly, in a positive way.
well, that proves one thing,
never judge a book by its cover,
and, looks can be deceiving.

i'm seriously wrong about everything.


cant do anything nor touch any technology.
it means that i cant touch the television or computer.
the feeling sucks lah.


i'm SUPER PISSED WITH MY FATHER.
pissed at him for bossing around.
out of rage,
i did it again..

i'm sorry,
friends of mine.

oh shocking.


you said i copied you.
how funny?
are you the only one doing all this?
you made mum cried,
mum is worried that you might break your blood vessels,
she's afraid that you might passed away,
which hopefully, it will never happen.

are you only finding something to get you mind off something,
or just some personal problems?
i cant believe it,
when you tell outsiders your problems,
instead of telling me.
thats a fact that you cant change.

but thanks for today,
you were not mean to me,
instead, you were being nice :D

oh so sad.


he liked her for 3 years..
its like,
an unrequitted love.
now, she's transferred.
i bet he's feeling very upset,
he's dying wish is just to touch those untouched lips,
not a kiss goodbye,
just to make up for whatever wrong-doings he had done.
oh so lovable,
oh so touching..

i just dont get it,
why bother telling these people?
is it hurtful?
what do you think?


In the middle of a gun fight...
In the center of a restaurant...
They say, "Come with your arms raised high!"
Well, they're never gonna get me,
And like a bullet through a flock of doves...
To wage this war against your faith in me,
Your life...will never be the same.
On your mother's eyes, say a prayer...say a prayer!


i hope for one thing,
just one thing,
theres nothing to be afraid,
afraid of me that is.

but i'm glad we're still in contact (:

but i have this guilty conscience in me now,
i kept thinking that i was the one who messed up your life.
thats according to some people.
but,
how did i actually mess things up?


its so sad,
when you found out,
the person you love,
actually have a crush on that girl for 3 years.
hurtful aint it?

I SHALL BE BLOGGING IN CAPS IF I'M MAD,
IF NOT, NO CAPS.

I'VE FOUND SOME INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT MY BLOG.
PEOPLE FIND MY ENTRIES,
ANNOYING, BITCHY, HURTFUL, TROUBLE-MAKING, LOADS OF OTHER WORDS I CAN THINK OF.

seriously,
ain blogs supposed to be something personal?
SOMETHING THAT THE OWNER CAN ACTUALLY EXPRESS HIS/HER FEELINGS.
BUT NO,
SOME PEOPLE ARE ACTUALLY AGAINST MOST OF MY ENTRIES,
HAVING THEIR OWN PERSONAL NEGATIVE VIEWS,
YES, YOU HEARD ME RIGHT,
NEGATIVE,
NEGATIVE VIEWS.


i seriously dont dont dont get it.
I KNOW THAT I'M STRAIGHTFORWARD,
BUT NOT SO STRAIGHTFORWARD AS IN,
whenever i see someone walk past me, i'll shout,
"HEY!! look at that girl!! her hair's weird!!"
not that straightforward.
WANNA KNOW WHY I'M POURING OUT EVERYTHING HERE?
well, as i've said,
blogs are like a personal diary,
owners can discuss, swear or bitch in their blogs.
its like an online journal,
just that people are able to see what you've written.


AGAINST MY ENTRIES IS ONE THING,
the second thing is, i know that even my own sibling cant stand what i've written.
example,
if i induce vommitting, she will shout,
"FUCKER, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP MAKING YOURSELF VOMIT? ITS HURTING YOUR FUCKING ORGANS, YOU WANNA DIE, FINE! DIE THEN"

if i cut myself, she'll say,
"MOTHER FUCKER, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU COPY ME? DONT ACT LAH."

i mean, WTH?
cutting yourself aint copying nor it meant that i'm a big RIP-OFF.
oh whatever (:


i've been feeling so fucked up and upset from the starting of this week.
everytime i woke up,
i'll just hope that today's just another ordinary day,
dont need to rejoice over it.

i'm so upset on the 25th.
seriously i am.
well sister, wanna know what i did on that particular day?

I'VE CUT MYSELF 12 TIMES ON MY ARMS.
happy now?
i guess not.. oh well~


i've finally done my coursework!!
YESYESYESYES!!
i neednt procrastinate it any longer,
nor get so grief-stricken over it.
=)


i DONT hate alibaba or those people whom i'm hanging out with.
it feels kinda nice to have someone behind you,
cheering you on.
love you guys, alibaba & asg (:


i suddenly felt that i've began to love someone again..
that feeling,
cant undescrible.
it just feels nice :D


got an email from mrs neo.
we dint attend the batik painting thing on either the 20th or 22th of april.
hahaha!
so, no points, we're never getting the PNA gold.
oh well~


goodbye for now

you cant just expect unexpected things to happen
in such short notice cant you?


to my utter disappointment,
i've once again,
done it twice.
i induce vommitting again.
its not that i force myself.
it's because of those negative remarks constantly repeating in my head,
in my mind.

how hurtful can this comments get?
i mean.. so far that they're willing to hurt someone else,
in order to get what they long for,
to fulfil their destiny.


Well I just heard the news today
It seems my life is going to change
I closed my eyes, begin to pray
Then tears of joy stream down my face.


she aint no push-over.
she aint a bad bully.
she aint one stupid girl,
nor one pessimistic big freak.
she's just a little annoyed and troubled.

the 6 BIG reasons that made her what she's now.

how fucked up.


If I had just one wish
Only one demand
I hope he's not like me
I hope he understands
That he can take this life
And hold it by the hand
And he can greet the world
With arms wide open..


its just like a childhood story,
just that it has no happy ending..
lets say,
the story is a never ending one.
the ending kept procrastinating itself,

how devasting.
how sad.
how annoying.

i felt so aggrieved,
its like, i'm seriously being treated in an unfair way..


they so called, deluded me.
i dont believe myself either.
nor do i believe her myself.
but, i should believe her..
cause' she in my clique, my cca clique.
i shant trust anyone from now onwards,
except for her.
she's a great girl.
she helps me out in everything.
she's the only whom i can trust,
the only one whom i can confide in.

i suddenly remebered,
the main reason why i was so fucked up and miserable yesterday..


"i wanna marry you."


that was wad he said.
not to me, but to my most hated person i regard now.
hurtful and heart-breaking comments.

how saddening.
thats how i feel now.


:(

"if you cut yourself, i'm not gonna friend you!"
- seri

"you people are endangering your lives"
-puifun

"dont ever cut yourself, you're gonna regret it. although i know it hurts alot inside, but dont ever and i mean, EVER CUT YOURSELF!"
-grace (my sister)

"*hits me*, *steals away scissors from my hand*"
-yilian


some people's comments.
sorry if i forget any of your words.
thanks (:


guess what?
my sister cut herself again.
her handphone was confiscated cause' miss irene lim saw her using it.
i'm like super pissed.
why did you even have to take it out in the first place?
its already pretty obvious that you were looking in your pocket.
why even bother?
bother taking it out of cause'

all because of soh LL's fault.
its not like the 2 of us slept in class only.
tell me,
you never make the whole class participate..
you're making people get bored.
the first thing i would love to clarify,

why are you so fucking BIASED towards us?
you even complained to mrs yeo..
i dont mind you calling up my parents..
but,
why tell every single teacher teaching us?
do you really want us to have a bad record for the year?

if you seriously do,
please say it right in my face,
instead of doing things behind people's back.
its so fucking annoying.


had fnn practical test.
it is included in our theory mid year paper,
our overall practicals,
our overall theories,
and our coursework.
i seriously thought that we cant have a look at the recipe,
luckily, he printed it out for us.

today's dish,
"fried macroni and blah blah blah.."
heres a picture i took,
its not really exact cause i've added some noodles in it.
those itchy hands..



i must admit,
i did not cock up.. unlike the first practical.
i just did 1 thing wrongly..
after i've cooked everything, i was ready to serve,
i realised i dint even put in my mixed vegetables.
ahhh.. my stupidity.
my bad.

faizal came & grab a bite.
he dropped once he dug out some food.
my hands were soapy at that time,
so dint do anything.
i seriously hope i wont fail.

i've burnt my hands.
how stupid,
imagine, after you cook something at above 60 degrees,
you just put your fingers and touch the metal parts.
ouch.


he came to 3/6 yesterday.
i thought sammi was bluffing me..
he did turned up.
i'm so glad.. all the while i thought he might never have showed up.
yep, i was wrong about that.


someone made me real mad yesterday.


adeline told me,
they were mad at me cause' i'm always hanging out with her.
i seriously cant make my words obvious,
cause' i know that she will be reading this.

but i want to make something clear to you,


I AM STANDING AT THE NEGATIVE SIDE, I DONT LIKE HER, I HATE HER. I DETEST HER. I ABHOR HER. THE REASON I'M ALWAYS SEEN HANGING OUT WITH HER IS BECAUSE SHE KEEP STICKING ON TO ME. DO YOU EVEN THINK THAT I LIKE HER 1 BIT? NO, NO AND NO. MY ANSWER IS NO, IF YOU MIND (:


went to lin's house today.
did some chemistry,
kenneth smsed lin.
he claims that HE* was walking behind him.
together with 3 guys i suppose.
i shall not elaborate..
but i shall say,

"i'm glad he still do remember (:"


went to west mall.
intially, i wanted to buy something extra for him..
but i'm seriously broke peniless.


bought some extra badges for him,
1 prob,
how am i going to give him?


received the mid years time-table.
i dont feel very confident.
i dont feel very serious.

i'm seriously going to flunk it.
esp both my A and E maths.
why do i even wanna score A1s when i was secondary 2?
if i dint do my best last year,
i'm sure to take NA maths.
why? why? why?

i need help.
soon.


i'm still waiting..
waiting and waiting and waiting.

2124..
=)


i seriously swear that i will never forget this past 2 days.
you owe me 2 bucks!
haha. jkjk (:


love,
hate,
angst,
jealously,

ouch*

i should be happy.

but yet,



i'm not.


































why?


yes, you guys have seen me laughing loads of times..
i'm known as the "joyful" one.

but,
i feel so..
hurt, green-eyed, embarrased, mad..

why?



i asked myself a million times,
why? did i even asked for it?
yes, maybe sometimes.

but.. seriously,
sometimes..
i really wish that it will go away..
get out of my fucking face.
get out of my fucking life.
i hate you.




now,
i'll i ask myself again..























why do i even bother?

i'm getting more & more hot-tempered..
what the hell.
all because of you.


i lost everything..
i'm pretty upset when i found out that my calculator has gone missing.
i draw so many stuffs on it..
i draw all my cliques name.
i coloured them.
i used them for 2 years.
i've lost 3 calculators when i was secondary 1 & 2.
i lost my wonderful calculator again.
i cant even do proper revision w/o them.
i cried when i found out that it wasnt in my bag.
my mood became more dampen.

besides my missing calculator,
i've lost my lucky pen.
call me childish if you want. i am childish anyway.
i love my black pen..
i miss it.

i hate it when i lose stuffs.
i clearly remembered that i did have it when i was in fnn class.
a calculator doesnt come cheap.
& i have to use my own money to buy it back.
i'm so frickingly pissed.


mr faizal said our practical test was next week.
he said that we cant take our recipe books into the kitchen,
nor he will tell us what we're going to cook.
i'm super anxious.

he gave us our coursework.
my mind went blank.
our coursework is due on 27 of april,
13 more days to go.

his explaination is super messy.
i dont even get what he's talking about..
just nodded to whatever he says..
i seriously need help in my coursework.
any fnn people willing to help?


you guys said the wrong stuffs again..
i'm hurt.


i know that i swear alot nowadays.
but, have you ever wondered why i would even sweared in the first place?
i sweared cause' i'm troubled, cause' i'm filled with anger.
you guys think i'm doing it on purpose?
no.. i'm mad.


i'm losing appetite nowadays..
i refused to eat.

my illness doesnt seem to go away.
it keeps getting worser & worser..
i dread waking up every morning,
cause' everytime i wake up,
my throat will be feeling so sore..
i cant talk, instead, i'll keep coughing.
it feels so terrible..

sometimes,
i just wish that i wont wake up forever.


its chaos at my tagboard.
i would love to spam it.
but, SHE* will get mad.
oh well, whatever she says.


I WONT REPLY TAGS FOR A HIATUS.

its not that i'm chicken or anything..
she warned me,
ahhh.. what the fuck.

please present your BIG names in your tags if you people dont mind.
leave my fucking sister outta it.
spam me for all you want.
dont insult my friends.
who's the one who started it?
well, not us of cause'.
whatever.


ms nurul is so nice.
she told us what questions are gonna come out for the history common test.
she even gave us the notes & showed us how to write it in essay form.
i seriously have to memorise it.


i hate it.
why am i born so stupid?!
why cant i understand stuffs easily like other kids?
why must people say hurtful things about me?
why cant people understand me or listen to me for once?
i find it super irritating when people show off their high marks to me.
not that i'm pin-pointing to anyone..
but yeah. i hate that girl sitting infront,
beside girl.
she's super sickening..
keeps putting her hands near my thighs during fnn theories.
"get your fucking hands off my body parts"
bloody hell. i'm starting to really really hate her.


i think i'm gonna have a bad record for chinese lessons.
i keep sleeping in mdm soh's class.
soh scolded puifun for telling us jokes.
soh scolded samantha for sleeping.
soh scolded jie for sleeping too.
soh rarely scold me nowadays.
i guess she's scared of me.. cause' i always shouted back at her.
i still remembered that she used to insult me.
thats why i'm still that mad at her.
alibaba's gonna have a bad record.
ahhh.. what the heck.
as if we're the only ones causing all the nonsense.


i love ammonium!
searching for his info is like searching for a needle in a haystack.
ahhh..
i give up.


my grief-stricken life.
fucking hell.
this doesnt concerns my sister.
leave her outta it.

sometimes, it pays to be perfect.
looking back,
after all this time..
i do felt proud about myself.

proud that i'm so courageous,
so positive,
oh, maybe not so positive..
but, yes. i'm proud of myself for being so brave.
*pats on back*

2pm to 2am.
whenever i'm feeling down,
i'll think about it,
& i'll smile.

ms lim talked to us today after our history remedial.
told her about my problems.
she said that the reason i kept getting mad,
its because i get too fed-up with little little things.
i should try to smile through those dark times.

i suddenly felt the urge to slit my wrists.
cutting myself.
jumping down from a high rise building.
the pressure is just too much.
i dont think i can hold it any longer.

sorry guys..
sorry that i kept having that "black" face today.
maybe i should listen to you guys..
stop thinking about it..
i'll be alright (:

thanks samantha, jie, puifun, yilian, lin & jessie.
thanks for supporting me.
i love you guys. (:

i thought that my times of being unhappy was over.
but no,
every good things have its dark side.

during pc period,
ms lim told us to write down what have happened during our past few years.
i wrote down my missing handphone,
2pm to 2pm,
the first time he talked to me,
psle,
my best friends,
him, him & him.

i seriously wanted to talk to him,
or just send him a sms.
i wish he would come & talk to me.
which i think is impossible.
i'll die if he does that :D


i cant get over it.
its like,
someone's blocking me,
someone pulling me away from being happy,
giving me more & more obstacles.

so near, yet so far


is dying the right choice?

i'll try to blog in a positive way.
i guess..


i dint notice it myself either.. until you guys told me.
i cant believe that she would self-inflict pain on herself.. i always thought that she's living life to the fullest..
but no..
i did let you have the best in everything. i let you use those good things first, before i use them..
i told you how to plan your time well, i tried helping you.
i lectured you, not scolding nor shouting at you..
i love you alot.. & i know that you do felt the same way too..
but, why resort to slitting your wrists?
maybe not slitting your wrist, but inflicting pain on yourself..
but, why dont you tell me what problems are on your mind? people are just being nice to you, we're all trying our best to help you solve your difficulties..
why dont you tell us?
why wont you trust your only sister for once?


i dont know why.. but i'm feeling WAY WAY tired!!
the moment i got home, all i want was my comfortable bed..
but i cant, homeworks come first.
mid-years are approaching. & i'm NOT ready.
secondary 3's life is damn stressful.. & i kept having frequent headaches..
i do wish i can hit myself hard with a hammer.


stop coughing into my face bryan!!
ITS DAMN RUDE OF YOU,
now, i'm having a slight cough.. are you happy now?






































































no, i do not WANT TO INTERFERE anymore. shall i repeat myself? i'm washing my hands off the problems that have been occuring. i do felt pissed & mad myself. do you think that i'll feel neutral?
i dont even know what have even happened..
i was going to close down this fucked up crap..
all because of him, i've changed my mind.. yes.
i dont even know what kind of logic is in your head right now, but i feel that this "talk-behind-each-other's-back" has to stop.
isnt it so childish? i dont know who started this kind of thing..
but, i shouldnt interfere your life with your childhood friend or your primary friend shouldnt i?
you said i was the cause of the troubles.. FINE, what have i done wrong?
seriously, this thing have caused me thinking about it for 24/7..
i shall not hate him.. & neither do i hate you. hate me for all you want..
its beyond my limits afterall.


gossips, unhappiness.. why do i hear them in guides?
now, even the ex-cos are aiming at themselves..
learn to love,
not hate (:


fucked up.
i think i'm gonna die soon (:

ahhh.. what the fuck.
i'm beginning to write shorter & shorter post.
yay me!


shocked, surprised, filled with angst, fuming mad with anger, jealousy, overjoyed..
thats what i felt today.
a mixed-up emotion ain?


indeed i do,
i felt so bad.. bad for breaking up people's friendship.
actually, i'm not quite sure what i've done.
each parties have said negative remarks about each other..
who should i believe?
according to millions & tons of people, i do think that its that person's fault.
i doubt that you'll ever be reading this but, yes.
i do felt bad inside.. but!
how did i mess things up?


read through my archives & diary posts.
after reading it, couldnt help but laugh..
after so much courage i've put in..
indeed, it was worth it.
yes, i've never regretted.


post a longer one next time.

:D

i'm left speechless..


am i still acting so..
paranoid?
cos, i kept getting the idea that he hates me,
she hates me,
they hate me,
blah blah blah..
no, seriously, i really must change my mindset..
change my way of thinking.


i've forgotten to mention that,
kerk doesnt know how to spell, bicycle!!
he spelled it as,
"bicylce"

all of us were mocking at him,
laughing at his stupidity.
hahahahaha!!


sometimes, people do irritate the opposite party.
like my mum & my sister.
mum wants to make my sister's life comfortable..
cos she's doing her art right now.
she wants her to have a nice night through the night,
but, somehow somewhat,
it really irritates her..
alot..
signs of attitude problems or she wants to rebel against her?


after much thinking,
i do think that they make a great couple.
all the best,
the 2 of you =)

no, i'm not being sarcastic in anyway..
i'm serious.
it hurts.. real bad.


goodbye my lover

i shall blog as much as i can.
that is, if i rmb everything of cause..
i kept thinking my posts are so short!!


i've heard so much comments from friends of mine..
& teachers.
telling me to look on the bright side,
be positive,
not caring about wad people have to say about me.
if those miserable people wants to comment anything about me,
fine! go on..
comment as much as you like..
no, i'm not pin-pointing anyone.
just feel like venting out all my anger that i've been holding for these past 2 years.

shocked that i can hold it for so long?
yay me (:


i hate mosquitoes..
seriously.. no doubt bout that.
i mean.. who actually love those blood suckers?
just gotten 3 huge bites for just 2 mins.
super mad.
i mean.. why does the food for mosquitoes have to be blood?
why cant they have a small world for mosquitoes,
where they can live & sleep in..
& most importantly,
i wish that they can cook,
& have those small coffee shops or fast food restaurants..
so that they will fill their bellies,
& they wont be able to bite us cos they're too full!!

haiyo.. you're dreaming lah joyce.
xD


had no practical today..
super mad. made me went bonkers ytd when heard that there are theory lessons today.
i suddenly cant find my pastry wksht.
searched through my fnn file & my main file..
but, no.. it wasnt there..
luckily faryal dint bring it too..
faizal's face was super black today.
he was late for class by 20 mins.
i guess we're all used to it by now..
faizal made us do squats..
i laughed throughout everything..
those words still roams around in my head..

"1 squat sir, 2 squats sir, 3 squats sir, 4 squats sir, 5 squats sir, 6 squats sir, 7 squats sir, 8 squats sir, 9 squats sir, 10 squats sir"

its like.. robots talking continuously..
*laughs*
just now, went to search for my wksht again..
was in a rage..
i found it in my bag!!
GOD DAMN IT.
i could have handed it in today..


saw mdm soh, tweety bird, outside 3/6 after school.
so i greeted her.
she signaled to me, telling me to go over..
i walked towards her..
she suddenly opened her arms WIDEEEE!
& i seriously thought that she wanted to hug me.
was super duper shocked.
instead, she just patted me on my shoulders.
gave me such a fright.
ytd during chinese remedial,
she was super nice to me.
she told me that i can do well for my chinese..
blah blah blah~~
she wasnt like that to me when we're having our normal lessons.
her attitude changed towards me.
nice (:


i have simply just so much to talk about guides today..
today was the first time when the ex-cos took over.
went to take the attendance book with pf.
took the attendance.
there was a camp..
3 days camp. i'm going to be super tired for sure..
suppose to so called, combine with npcc for the camp.
since most of them dont wanna combine cos it will sure be a hassle when it's showering time..
so, changed to the 2nd week.
both pf & i took charge of the planning of the camp..
we had to run ard the school, looking for kokila, loh & neo..

asked anyu bout some other things halfway..
she told us quite a number of things.
most of the guides stuffs will be changed..
& i dont suppose we can get gold this year.
but i sure do hope to get gold this year.
i told them i was such an extra..
they lectured me again.
everything in guides has changed.
secretary is currenly having the most stuffs to do.
& they do need an assistant secretary..
i do have to face things in another way now.
CL said that people are like..
giving her attitude.. saying that she is acting big & stuffs like that.
i'm not sure who to believe in..
asg wants me to be with them whenever they will be..
they want me to march with them..
& do things in guides with them..
i dont really know how to answer you guys whenever you ask me to be with you..
such a dilemma..

so, we called my sister to take charge for awhile to help me continue planning for the camp & farewell party..
i was quite shocked..
my sister came to me & told me some extras was "stealing" her "job"..
she took away my sister's job..
was very unhappy with her..
oh well, wad can i do?
my rank is not that high too.
had to teach the sec 1s marching today..
pf & i took my peer leadering grp junior, stella.
she did listen to us.. but she dint really apply to her skills.

next time, we'll just choose an enthu sec 1 guide!
hoho (:
cos, an enthu sec 1 guide will learn things very very quickly.


joelle smsed me the day before ytd.
said that she wants to quit fnn.
its so damn hard just to memorise all the vitamins & minerals.
i dont even know wad is another name for minerals..
it doesnt even state in the txtbk..
how do we even know wad it is.
we said to each other..
if we fail this test,
we'll quit fnn & go to art i suppose..
from wad i've heard,
but, fnn is like the easiest sub.
i dont believe myself now..
you need alot of brain power to rmb stuffs.
& i have a peanut brain.
just have to wait for the results..
*cross fingers*


i'm glad.
i still rmb sammi told me that whenever she turns on her computer,
the first site she will go to,
is my blog!
now, who is so nice like sam?
=)


btw, PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO HAVE MY MSN CONTACT,
I'VE CHANGED MY EMAIL TO,
rejoiceoverlittlethings@hotmail.com
PLEASE DONT ASK ME WHO I AM,
ITs SUPER ANNONYING. =/
THANKS!


you went online, i clicked on your nick.
i hoped to see,
your nick, is typing a message.
no, how wrong was i.

i wanted to sms you.
instead, after much consideration,
i just close my phone..


how foolish was i?
thinking that everything would come true..

4 days since i've last updated.
time check,
0030 (:


yep! i've been feeling alot alot better.. & i mean, ALOT better.
ain you people glad?
i have been laughing non-stop ytd.
i must say,
i really missed laughing, grinning & smiling all day~
i was super hyper la. run here run there..
unlike crying & be so miserable for these last 5 days..
i'm glad that i'm miles away from misery =)


sometimes, siblings can be quite a disgrace to you.
i dont really know if my sister really took his book by accident,
or someone just played a prank on either of us sisters..
thats not funny.
she said that it was not needed,
to return our classmate the book.
you said it was such a hassle to do that..
i did felt sorry for him,
having no books nor practice to do..
so, i took the book,
brought it to school, & shoved the book secretly below his table.
it was your fault to have brought the book back..
yet i had to take the fall for you..
i had to take an extra load to school.
i dread carrying such heavy bags to school..
& yet, you acted like a jerk & refused to chip in.
how inconsiderate..
no, inconsiderate is certainly not the right word to use..
i should have said,
unfair, unfillial, distracted, filled with jealously, etc etc..
you were doing your homework,
while doing, you fell alsleep.
who was the one who packed your bag?
who was the one who put your head comfortably on the pillow?
who was the one who covered with the blanket?
yes, i was the one.
i helped you.
i did wrote about you in one of my recent post.
i felt guilty.. actually, you deserved it.
no, i was feeling too sad about it..
so i deleted it away..
i never thought that you will still feel so ungrateful towards me..
showed me attitude.
thats your problem.
you have some bad attitude..
i've begged you loads of time,
for god's sake, change your fucking attitude..
have you at least tried? no.. not once.. & never in your life you will try..
i beg you my dear sister..
please change your attitude,
have you ever thought that.. why sometimes,
we dint answer your qus?


i must admit, i'm getting a lil bit paranoid nowadays..
not as in the supernatural stuffs..
loh, neo & kokila wants to put an extra post in the ex-cos.
so, they elected me.
i was the asst sec.
i couldnt be bothered anymore.
PL too. vidthya was like..
"i want to be PL, i want to be PL!!"
*rolls eyes*
you were the one who keeps pon-ing..
you shant blame anyone if you're the PS.

cant believe irene lim told loh the whole story..


samantha wants me to post something bout her in my blog.
so, here goes!
sammi finally let me see wad she has written about me during a compo practice..
the topic was about a role model you know. plus, it was ages ago! january i suppose?
read wad she have written..
mostly, its about,
me, laughing my head off.. laughing my heart out.
cheering her, alibaba & some other people up.
was quite touched while i was reading it..
reading it let me notice something..
i was known as,
the girl who keeps smiling.. if i dont smile,
it will be immediately OBVIOUS.
i do laugh at lil lil comments..
so, from today..
i shant be frowning nor sighing.
instead, i should rejoice at every moment,
so that, life will be more meaningful to me.

thanks sammi dearie! well written!
i stil wont tell you wo is "STS"
:D


i would love to thank someone.
thanks for telling me to cheer up on monday.
thanks for smiling.
no one like ever smile to me during these last 5 days..
only seldomly..
thanks for everything..
quan yuan (:
& i'll not forget that your birthday is nearing! ^^


went to je pg ytd.
was super funny.. i was laughing my heart out.
although it only lasted for less than 2 hrs,
i'm satisfied.. i'm satisfied with 2 crazy cliques that i'm having.
i love you,
alibaba & asg (X


i've learn to choose my own way..
positive or negative.
i'll choose positive.
thank you so much (:

i so called like,
eavesdrop my sis, ade & wankee's conversation on the phone.

i was practically crying when i'm hearing them..
what they had said was simply unfair..
even ade agrees..
its like.. someone suddenly backstabs you in the back cos she wanted badly to lead something..
& someone who never contributes anything to guides, have gotten the third position..
she never goes for any camps, nor any campfires..
both ade & i had contributed alot for guides..
no.. nothing good is ever returned to us now.


theres like no logic in everything now.
those who are bound to be,
wasnt in it.
& those who wasnt bound to be in,
was in..
there is no principles of reasoning anymore..
teachers dont really care about wad you feel.
if they see you bu shuang, then they will just treat you as rubbish.

wheres the fairness in this world now?


i'm like still so super sad..
but, hey..
thnks guys..
yilian, jessie, samantha, quanyuan, adeline, yenling & huili..
thnks guys.. i was really touched by you guys (:


is it karma thats happening to me?
is it because of all the bad things that i've done?
or wad i've done in my past life?
well, then tell me..
what do i need to do in order for me to repent for my sins?
i dont wanna feel this way..
i dread crying & weeping..

i knew that i wasnt like that before that fateful day..
i was the cheery one.. the one who brightens people's day.
everyone knows that i laugh alot..
now?
everything has changed..
just by thinking about it,
i feel terrible.. i wanted to appeal..
but i know that it will just only make things much more worse..

cant believe ade told her *ahem* that neo had insulted both my sis & i..
& the guides teachers being unfair to me.
her *ahem* said that he was very mad & wanted to make neo cry..
i dont think its quite neccesary lah..
the decision has already been made..
& nothing can change it ain it?


one thing i would love to say..
theres no justice & fairness in my world anymore..
but not for some of you guys out there..
i had to envy people all the time..
i hate it..
why cant i be perfect?
i felt that i'm such a letdown for those who had high hopes for me.
sorry..


i wont reply tags in the tagboard for today.
i'll just post it here..
hope you guys wont mind (:

TAG REPLIES

• yenling; hmm.. what if i dont have a topic i like? well, i'm hopeless ain i? yeah.. i'll seek help if i really cant do anything right. my physics sucks too! all because of that horrible teacher.. heh..
• samantha; why are you sad? i'm more "sadder".. haish~
• jessie; but, my heart is like.. dead? i need advice from people.. help me? LOL.
• yilian; but, you still have to think ah.. she hasnt contributed anything to us.. she never turn up for anything. but, shes still our friend.. maybe, she should give her more time, just to see if she really changed for the better anot (:
• cQy; i hate my life now.. i'm born stupid, & yet, this stupid prob is coming to me now.. its making my life much more worse.. ants.. hahaha. i'm the big giant who comes & kills them all.. nice one =)
• huili; hey.. i did tried to be strong, but i'm just too sensitive & emotional mah.. dying is like the best solution la. my dad like dont even care about my probs.. all he cares about is study, study & study.. no one would cry for me when i'm gone anyways.. yeah.. a long long way.. i dont think i'll ever made it till the end. ^^
• amanda; yo amanda!! hmm.. i think it was me.. heh. you haven tell me your url!! tsk tsk tsk.. take care!! xD
• roufang; heys mental! he like.. very wad la. always calls girls to ans his qus.. PUI! as if he's very shuai like that.

thnks for all your comments.

:D

i'm still upset..
up till now.


to yenling;
although i dont really know you. but thanks for hearing me out yeah? =)


i'm sorry puifun.
you're not in the wrong..
& neither do we..
its all because of the guides thing..
sorry i made you feel upset as i was unhappy.
you neednt feel upset for me either.


this world is so unfair.
why should i be living in it?
maybe i should heed her advice..
i shouldnt care about anything right now.
studies come first.
i have to get everything right for my studies.
but, who would wanna help me?


unfairness.. why must it be on me?
i feel so upset.
i feel like committing suicide..
i wanna end this depression..

efforts & my passion for this particular thing has practically gone down the drain..
i'm real disappointed..
after 2 whole years and 90 days of stupidity i've made,
i thought it was the best decision yet,
i'm wrong again..
everything's gone within a second..


i thought that today would be a happy day for me..
but how wrong i was..
i wasnt even that close to being happy.


i hate james kerk.
he's just being biased lor.. i did ask.
you just dint have to heart to hear wad i was saying.
i'll just prove something to you..
you're just being nice to pretty girls.
you asked me if i'm implying that i'm ugly.
well,
YES. a big yes for you..
i showed you attitude, so wad?
that little peanut wont empty those rage in me.


afternoon time was super saddening.
lots of fucking things happened in the last 1 hr..

some girl said i diao her..
she said i called out her name.
i'm not sure if she's reading this right now..
but, 1 thing i'll like to clarify..

i DID NOT diao you.
i was looking at my classmates & friends there..
e.g, priscilla, si min, eugene.. blah blah.
& 1 more thing..

i never called out your name.
it was some other girl in my class.. i dont even recall calling your name.
i dont know her..


she like.. knew loads of stuffs lah.
she even knows that i like that him..

I HATE KOKILA.
i dont hate her initally..
but now? i do.. alot.
was outside the office, looking for ms kokila.
she came out.. dunno why,
she started saying his name out. i was shocked lah..
i dint even tell her lor.. & yet she knows..
told her to lower down her volume, cos some guy who knew him was behind us.
instead, she called, "benny, come here." i think his name was benny lah..
& said, "this girl want to tell you something."
i walked away quickly.
& she told him that i like that guy lah..
they're like.. best friends.. & they gay ard.
he kept laughing.
i'm super pissed.


they announced the new ex-cos lor..

i'm super pissed. i cant believe that the NEUTRAL PARTY got in. the teachers are like super FUCKING BIASED LA. i know why they didnt choose shiping or my sis or yilian or adeline. its because we're like the protestants. their grp only accomodate 3 people. & if they were to choose the ex-cos, if cos they will choose the lesser grp of people. mrs loh thinks that shiping & her grp are the cause of ALL THE TROUBLES. but, actually, she ACL now, she has a good reputation.. some people and the guides teachers like respect her. and the CL, i felt so betrayed.. she has like.. 2 sided of her.

1: it was very long until the voting starts. she kept telling me about the ACL, she said how bitchy can she get?
2: it was a week before the voting. she suddenly said she was THE NEUTRAL PARTY.

i think she only want to grab more votes, make teachers think highly of her.. how pathetic, you shouldnt resort to this way. dont you know how many people you've hurt??
yes, i'm one of them..

my closest & best friend was in the ex-cos. hooray for her.
i felt so..
so mad. i'm filled with anger.


if any of the new ex-cos sees this,
its your own problem..
i'm not any jealous.
or any of the old ex-cos sees this,
or wankee,
please dont leak out?


now, the only person i believe in,
the only one i can confide in,
is jessie.

she called me, asking if i was feeling okay..
i think its real nice of her.
no one smses me nor come & cheer me up.

& yilian too.

thnks guys (:


now, i just dont know who to face her anymore..
she, my best friend,
i was having abit tears in my eyes..
suddenly, i like heard someone crying too.
guess wad?

she cried.
she said that her heart hurts to see me like this.
she dreads to see me being so upset.
she felt so hurt..

i have absolute nothing to say, just plain shocked at her reactions.
& she told me that my mood changed.. right after announcing the new ex-cos.
she said i wasnt like that before announcing those people.
i was super duper hyper active & having non-stop laughters.

i guess that, whenver my mood swings,
from an extreme joyfulness to extreme sadness,
its so god damn noticeable.


my GOD DAMN LIFE is seriously ruined now!!
more & more people knew that i like him.
hating guides more & more.
thinking of "pon-ing" guides soon.
everything sucks.
come & ask me.
i wont spill everything here.


mummy & i had this long talk..
saying that cca isnt that much of a use..
at most, it will only minus off 1 points from your O lvls.
to me, its very impt.. my studies are getting from bad to worse..
esp my fucking maths.

I WONT JOIN THAT BBC QUEST OR SOMETHING!!
i wont! i'm fucking stubborn..
yes i am. so what?


what emotions am i exactly feeling now?

fuck it,
my msn is seriously going bonkers.. i HATE IT!!!
i kept uninstalling it & installing it.
but, no use..
shucks.


chemistry test sucks.
we had 3 tests. actually it was meant to be 3, but, 2 in the end..
& the best thing is, it was the first period, follow by the second & third.
chemistry.. they said it was the solid first then the liquid.
but i drew the liquid followed by the solid.
it was condensation followed by freezing.
i wrote condensation and sublimation..
4 marks gone.
isotopes was spelled like that.
i spelled, "isotops"
where the fuck is that E?!
shit.
ss test was much better lah.
ms nurul gave us SO MANY HINTS! she even wrote down the points for us.
how nice (:

but people took advantage of her.
while she was writing on the board,
most of them were taking out their social studies textbook & copying them.
or they just took out their notes.
well, i didnt cheat.
can you believe it?
teachers gave their pupils special privileges & yet they overdo it.
how bad..

actually we're gonna have a fnn test today..
but faizal's dint tell us wad topic was coming out.
so, NO TEST!!
wooohooo~


i felt guilty.
she felt guilty too guys.. she told me that.
whenever teachers or our friends praises her & said art rocks like hell,
she feels terrible inside.
i dont know wad to feel..
guilty?
or i should just try not to dwell on it?
i'm so confused.


mrs yeo gave us a compre..
& that compre was bout a disney song.
then she gave us some moral support.
i thought to myself..
life may go wrong for me sometimes,
but, why should i think of death?
by ending my life,
who will be the ones who would cry for me?
its just a setback that happened to me..
so what?
i can just get back on my feet,
& start my journey all over again.

i've made up my mind!
i'll not be so upset if its really neccesary..
& you peepos are gonna see me smiling all DAY LONG!
i've finally changed my mind bout death & misery!!


& to yilian.. better prepared $5 for me tmr!
you're gonna lose the bet!! =D


BTW,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE DEARIE!
LOVE YA LOADS!

i promise you,
you'll get your present by tmr!!
yes! tmr!


i'm looking on the bright side of life now.
arent you glad?

& to him,
hope that you wont start to sigh now!

:D

feeling so sleepy.. actually din wanna blog. but,
haven update for 3 days.. might as well make it snappy (:


on monday.. while the 3 of us were walking to school,
we saw sammi! not shocking ain it?
but its kinda weird lah.. from day 1 of sec 1 to the day we saw her on monday,
we never walked into the school before.
so.. yeah!! one of the highlights of my day.

sometimes, i hate mondays.
cos mondays makes me feel sticky.
that p.e.. gosh.


although its 1+ now, i still feel that its tues today.
should be wed.
oh well, no difference ain it? except for the days & dates.


went for recess with jessie today. sammi dearie went for choir today!!
after jessie bought her stuffs,
she came back, & started thanking us for no reason..
i was abit shocked.. thought what had happened..
so i kept looking at her, her tears started to flow..
shocked again.
asked her what happened..
she said she was touched cos we listened to her,
as we did not really listen to her last year & the year before that.
was abit touched by her lah..
din cry, i controlled myself!! WOOO!

jessie, if you really need a listening ear, tell me!
i'm a good listener, i'm willing to hear you out! (:


had the esplanade performance thinggy..
oh yah! btw, wont be posting the photos now,
most probably post it by the end of this week.
i had a huge headache over what to wear for that performance..
finally decided on the black tee & the white skirt.
my maid suddenly came & put make-up on me.. T_T
went to jec.

anyu & shiping reached there le.
the moment i saw sp, i was at a loss for words.
heh.. its a compliment!!
& that particular guy, i'm seriously SERIOUSLY and i mean, seriously mad at him lah..
he made us miss 2 trains, dunno is it 3 trains anot, according to pf.
super mad. then i thought, i was going to sit beside him.. fuck.

reached the esplanade..
was standing there.. chatting & chatting & chatting..
a grp walked past me, REAL CLOSE.
looked up, saw someone, looked so familiar to me..
OH MY GOSH!!
it was him!! LOL~
he was dressed like..
"undescribable"..
was admiring him.. =/
he was so super shuai + cute!!
hahahahahahaha! no, seriously (:

& i doubt that he have seen me during the performance..
jasmine kept "feeding me with vinegar".
told me that she talked to him.
well, life's like that.
sometimes, you just have to appreciate what people has.


1 thing happened, after the intervention,
my sister suddenly LOST HER HANDPHONE AGAIN..
so she went to the toilet with yilian..
i kept staring at the exit door, saw them coming in.
i listened close, hoping not to hear any sniffing sounds.
cos sniffing sounds means that he/she was crying.
guess wad? called my sis's hp, it was off. i heard sniffing sounds too.
without thinking twice,
i pushed my way out of the people to the exit,
i think i scolded, "fuck".
oops? some other people shhh us.
damn them..
went out with my sister.
the 2 people in black were there..
i practically scolded her for losing her handphone in the toilet.
think that i did not scold her, instead, i lectured her.
cos her first phone was lost in the jp mrt station's toilet on christmas.
& now? its in the toilet again.
i think i've been too fierce.
but, its for her own good right?
she shouldnt be so careless after the first incident.
like me, i've learnt my lessons too. actually,
i din.. heh.

some cleaner came & return it to her in the end..
so relieved, that i cried.
thank GOD!! thank you SO MUCH!!
seriously, if it was lost, i wouldnt wanna think about how my parents would react.
anyways, everything's okay now.
-phew-


its getting late.
i'm turning in.
i'll try to post the pictures soon!
night people!
:D


him?
you look magnificient,
you look wonderful,
you look "oh so perfect"

entry deleted.

sorry, i was feeling so guilty..

sorry..
sorry..
once again..
sorry.

if anyone of you guys read the whole lot of paragraph, pls forget about it..
for those who haven read it,
good for you (:

a week have passed so fast.. esp life in sec 3.
it's so stressing..
& i'm deprived of sleep!! arghh..


had the voting for ex-cos today..
the first was anyu. second was durga.
we were in 4/1 wating. joan came in.. & said,
"joyce!! your turn!" of cos, i freaked out. & i screamed =/
seriously lah, everyone was so scared.. even i was scared too.
the whole class was filled with guides, & i meant, the class was REALLY REALLY full.
the front seats was mrs loh, mrs neo & ms kokila.
didnt want to take the microphone at first. cos my voice really sucks with the microphone lah..
i think my face was red bah.. kept smiling though (:
& the best thing is, I'VE FORGOTTEN TO GREET THE T'CHERS!! gosh..
i've forgotten what class i came from too. =.=""
i said, "err & erm" alot alot of times.
had to vote for 5 ppl. i've even forgotten who i've voted.. how stupid..
on my way out, the 3 teachers were looking at me..
this time, i've rmbed to greet them!
sound like a machine..

went to join anyu & durga after that.
i must say,
guides ended very early today. very very early..

went to have a look downstairs.
saw him in his squad. he kept looking ard..
made me laugh.
hoho!
&, i've said hello to him, he said hi to him.
rejoice!! woohoo!
kept laughing of cos.

jasmine kept pressurising me to tell her that a her which i claimed likes him.
told her in the end.
wells.. no harm done right?
they kept saying that she was a bitch.
tsk tsk tsk.


my weekends are going to be a terrible nightmare to me!
oh fuck.
i need someone to console me.
i feel terrible.. & when i feel terrible, i swear.
oh great.

nowadays.. i think i'm writing short posts.
really shorter than last time.
is it?


i got the feeling.. that i just want to go to the railways tracks.
sit there for hours..
recalling back my past.
my bad memories.. my good memories..
or simply just stare at the sky.

i feel so cold..

i think i'm suffering from anaemia? i'm always lacking of sleep..
BUT! i dont look pale. in fact, i look dark. nice (:

teachers caught me sleeping in class today..
chemistry, physics, chinese, & maths. esp maths period.
i felt so tired.. decided to put my head on the table..
suddenly, i hear no sound. the whole class like went quiet. mdm chang's not talking on the microphone. just dead silence..
looked up, the whole class was staring at me..
after staring, they laughed.
felt so embarassed.. =/
i hate going to school..
makes me feel so fed up.. arghh


tmr, all the sec 3 guides have to say a speech,
to make people vote for you as an ex-cos.
wankee told us to have a speech bout 3-4 mins..
i'm stunned.
still havent thought of what to say.
so dead..


i'm so NOT looking forward to the weekends..
i'm gonna suffer..
i'm gonna kill myself sooner or later..


i had some flashbacks just now.. i suddenly rmbed that time when i was smsing him.
he told me to talk to him. but i dont think i've ever spoken to him..
besides a hi, an ok and a laugh.
i rmbed when i msged him from noon to midnight..
called him "ub", called me "hg"
those times.. gone so far..
just a lil secret.. i havent deleted the sms when he asked me if my birthday was on the 27th of nov.
hohoho! cos i'm so shocked that he knew.
& some other smses of his..
hehh..

chinatown brings me loads of memories i must say..
havent been smsing him nor seeing him nor spoken to him.
feel so sad just thinking of it.
i have loads of comments bout him & a girl.
but i'm afraid that he might come here.
oh wells, he will never come here.
no need to be afraid then :D
he'll just go to that girl's web.. no, i ain jealous..
well, maybe.. just ABIT jealous.
i mean seriously,
no one likes a FAT girl anways (:


HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT
FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT
SHIT IT SHIT IT SHIT IT

3 days since i've last blogged.


i must admit.. these past few days,
it have been sheer madness to me.
i've like been crying the whole night.
imagine, the moment you come home,
& i meant, everytime you come home,
you're being called,
a "cheater"?
how would you feel?
hurt? upset? broken?
thats how i would feel.

we used to quick way out.
yes, we did. have you ever loved us?
instead, you practically SHAMED us.
i thought that you will feel remorseful..
instead, you're filled with anger, filled with rage.
shamed us.. how cruel can you be?
i mean seriously..

you never did asked us why we did that thing,
to make you feel upset.
no, you never asked.
you just told us how you would feel.
thats just simply plain unfair..
the reason was because, you were too harsh on us.
you use vulgar,
you somtimes even resort to violence.
that, i cannot accept.
& stop brainwashing bryan,
get the fuck off bryan, he's innocent.. he's only like, 6? wth.

i wanna say something.
if you people have any comments bout my size,
please refrain from telling me?
some people just wont know the feeling to be hurt by someone's remarks.

i'm in despair.
i hate going home nowadays.
i'm starting to hate school.. alot.
i'm beginning to think of committing suicide.
& i'm thinking of leaving home..
adults just dont understand me..

i hate maths.. i cant catch up in class anymore.. i felt like i'm a huge failure.
i need coaching, but not from him.
i want tuition.. any recommendation?


ms lim told us bout the thru-train thing that our class is taking.
she said mrs teo was not very impressed with our term 1 results.
& said, if this continues, we're going to take our N lvls.
seriously, i think taking N lvls before O lvls is much more better..
at least you got the experience.
after hearing this,
i felt like ending my life.
i'm so god damn fucked up.


i'm sorry for being so ugly,
last but not least,
i'm sorry for being so fat.
i'm sorry people out there..

im gonna be sooo dead tmr..

=]

3 days since i've last blogged.
hohoho!!
MAPLE MAPLE MAPLE!! heh~


went to far east ytd with puifun & yilian.
after that went to J8.

1 sickening problem is..
I HAVE CARSICK!!
oh my god.
this "illness" is coming back.
i hate riding on any single vehicle which have wheels.
i almost puked on the bus.
i almost puked on the taxi.
i almost puked on my dad's car.
i HATE being nauseous!!
mad*


school's reopening soon..
homeworks left undone..
i've left,
2 newspaper articles; 1 book review; 1 journal entry; physics TYS; maths worksheet.
cant rmb if i've left out anything..
oh wells~


blisters!! AHHH!!
i hate new shoes.
new shoes makes me have blisters.
i love old shoes (:


havent let my parents see my progress report.
seeing them being so happy,
i just couldnt bear to see their mad, black & sad faces.

i mean, we've just started our 3rd year in the school.
new subjects are pilling on.
& i used to take NA maths,
but now?
i'm taking express & A maths.
& my brain will take a longer time to catch up in class.
to understand wad mdm chang is teaching.
but i did pass my express maths din i?
but i failed my A maths.. T.T

& chemistry & physics.
its new right?
physics teacher sucks.
his teaching sucks.
no wonder i failed my physics..

chinese!! I'M SO MAD!
but i do have a reason for why i got 49 marks.
fucking tweety bird.
fuck it.


why why why?!
i hope ms lim forgets to collect the progress report.
in the meantime,
just have to hope that we can drag time,
drag on till the next progress report.
how long is this going to take?
i'll just pretend that i've forgotten all bout it.
hope ms lim will NEVER call my parents
-shakes head-


pictures of my purple shoes!

ALAS! beautiful purple~


well, bought these at junction 8.
those salesperson kept looking at me while i'm trying them on.
-.-""
dont think i'll wear these to school..
maybe, maybe not (:


i'm still so fucked up.
i seriously dread going to that concert thinking that i'm gonna sit next to him.
arghhh..


after hearing that song,"stan"
by eminem & dido,
i wanted to cry =/
the song is seriously very saddening.
cant paste it here,
the lyrics is 3 pages long.
woah~


i've hunted to full set of tubes ytd!!!
WOOHOOO~
its maple of cos :D




red flowery tube; black tube; blue flowery tube & purple tube!!
HOHOHOHO~


heres a meaningful poem..

in the darkness i look for someone,
in the cold i stretch out an arm.
but nobody comes,
nobody warms me.
i'm all,
all all alone.
i'm so afraid.

inspired by a book.


i just want everything to be what i want it to be.
is that so wrong?

so mad..
every single games was having problems,
was under maintence..
maple was under maintence till 1400.
neopets was lagging like siao!!
& it hangs.
i've already hacked 5 people's accounts!
woohoo~
& the best thing is, 1 of them was my close friend..
heh..

actually, neopets is still quite fun..
everytime i filled my shop with food,
up to 81 spaces,
after 3 mins, i went back to my shop,
more than half of my shop was being CLEARED!!
woohooo~


okay. seriously, i hope my sister wont see this post..
my sister's friendster name was, "LOSThope"
& theres this guy, named "Dennis",
it was ade's idea to intro him to my sister.
call me lame if you want, i seriously have absolute nothing to do right now..

& TAKE A LOOK AT THIS TESTIMONALS!!
actually, this 4 testimonals, SHORT testimonals..

TESTIMIONAL NUMBER 1;
Hey =)
you are actually quite pretty =)
must have more self confidence ok =)
bye bye=)

TESTIMONAL NUMBER 2;
This girl ah really very nice
it is impossible that she doesn't have a boyfriend =)
whoever becomes her boyfriend is the luckiest guy on earth =)

TESTIMONAL NUMBER 3;
hey cute princess ,
the march holidays are coming =)
can't wait =)
such a nice person is hard to find nowadays
so super niceeeeeeeeeeeeee
not to mention beautifullllllllllllllllll
has a nice personality
nice to talk to
and very humble =)
i shall write until here =)
bye bye cutie princess =)
MUST HAVE MORE CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF =)

TESTIMONAL NUMBER 4;
hey beautiful princess =)
you must have more confidence in yourself and not always think that your life is meanless ok
i shall write until here
take care
bye bye

---END OF TESTIMONALS---


know wad i think sister?
i think he's beating ard the bush. he's talking to same old stuffs.
he repeats himself.
seriously, i have no idea why my sister likes him.
thats wad i think, i dont even know if my sister like him anot.
& that guy,
he thinks that wad he writes, can make her heart beat faster?
or make her heart jump?
seriously,
if he wanna get hold of her,
he's gonna have to get through & past me first
(:

i'm such a good sister.
-compliments-


i'm filled with angst! i feel so hopeless!!
he did not reply my messgae.
i'll just take it as,
he's forgotten or he fell alsleep.
or his phone sending fail or something.
sometimes, i dont wanna find out the truth.


sorry anyu, shiping & puifun!
esp to anyu!!
sorry for not accompanying you guys to watch nanny mcphee ytd.
i was saving my money for dorm.
hehehe..
once again..

SORRY!


i've observed loads of things.
yes i do.
:D


i want to change my seating for the esplanade!!
CHANGE!
CHANGE!
CHANGE!!!
sometimes, his behaviour really creeps me out.
he lies bout his grandfather or something.
he lies bout his girlfriend in japan,
which he claims that she have passed away as she was having cancer.
he lies bout him driving a sports car.
hello? you're not even 18 or 21?
he lies bout having A HUGE FORTUNE waiting for him in his bank account.
he lies bout having a really cool car.
& the best of all, he's gonna sit next to me during the esplanade performance.
god!
i wanna change places with either jie or puifun or anyu or shiping!!!
HELP!


my arms are still aching..
ouch*


alakazam!
i wish you were a frog!
so that you will listen to me whenever i'm speaking!

i found myself,
having no reason to smile.


oh great.
i'm having aches all over..
my butt hurts. =/
my arms & shoulders hurt..
i think it's becos i have not exercise for ages!
heh~
that explains my size (:


i'm so lazy to get outta the house..
have to go back to school again later.. sighs.
but look on the bright side!
i'm going shopping with asg later! wooo~


ytd.. jie went for an eye checkup.
she complains that she cant see the whiteboard.
gosh.. she's like.. sitting infront of me during class.
& she cant see. hoho!
but i can! cos i have 6/6 vision :D
but! she doesnt need to wear one cos her eyesight is on the borderline of myopia.
i wanna wear glasses too!
^^

looking at the happy faces of my parents,
i couldnt bear letting them down with my utterly disgraceful results..
sighs..


i bought a new bag ytd!!
WOOO!
& my mum was unhappy bout it..
cos on jan, i bought an op sling bag.
& i used it for bout 3 mths, then, i've changed another bag.
she thinks it's wasteful..
but i think it's cool!
having to change bags for 3 mths.
hohoho!


i suddenly thought of an incident,
theres this particular girl, alibaba knows her.
i still rmb, when i was sec 2,
she scolded me, bitch.
we knew immediately it was her.
we were in the computer lab.
so my sis, who was in a rage,
stomped madly to her, and swing that girl to face her,
& she scolded her,
"what the fuck, she wasnt even online, how can she even scold you?! & fucking hell, stop going to her blog! shit you"
yep! thats wad i rmbed.
& i started & diao her.
now, i think shes letting out the infos of people..
ahhh.. complicated.
hehhh~


i'm learning how to repent for my sins.
i wanna do something good for people.
thats why, i'm starting to do good deeds for people..
=)


i wanna return to my childhood..
where there is unlimited happiness.
x)

i feel like changing url..
but,
its so troublesome!!
arghhh..


seriously,
everything i do, no one really bothers me..
nor take notice of what i do.
if i'm doing something bad..
then they will take notice of it.
but if i'm doing something good,
they wont notice it.
i wonder..
does my parents really regrets giving birth to twins?
all they care was my brother,
my 5 year old brother.
younger children tend to get more attention than older children.
no, dont get me wrong.
i dont want any attention.
i'm not an AS nor SA.. & i'm esp not an AA.
hahahaha!


i hate people who say people fat.
FAT PEOPLE RULES!
dont discrminate them..
ever wonder how they will feel after you comment them on their size?
i dont know why..
i'm so sensitive to the 3 letter word.
sensitive!!
i hate that..


i knew it! i knew it long ago!!
no, i did not regret bout his answer.. although i was abit shocked after hearing what he said.
actually, not to me..
wads the difference?

what am i to him?
oh..
peanuts.
heh heh..


i think i'm gonna hate the holidays.
ANTI-MOCKS!
anti everything!!
i just wanna do stuffs by myself..

i'm beginning to hate fnn lessons..
esp practicals.
i hate having to walk to the kitchen alone,
i hate having to walk back to class after the lessons,
i hate having to be under control by someone.
LOOK!
i'm big & strong!
& i'm no push-over.
next time, i'm gonna be fiercer,
& mostly,
i'm not gonna be pushed over by someone who's smaller size than me.
yes, i'm younger than anyone else in the kitchen.

mum & dad,
can i drop fnn?


jessie!
LOVE HAPPY PEOPLE!!
:)


you never did all those things that you used to do.
ahhh.. disappointments..
a fat girl cant do anything right?
as if a fat person can change the future..

miss lim said i was,
cheerful,
chatty,
& was a responsible chemistry rep.
my conduct was excellent.
:D

i wont go into details about my terrible results.
yep~


seriously,
i'm still not sure about how to break the news to my parents..
they're still clueless that we've already got back our progress report.
ahhh..
i feel so bad.

had outdoor cooking.
actually, should be,
"indoor cooking"
heh.
whats the difference?
its just indoor & outdoor.

seriously, those sec 5s seniors of mine are serious "day-brighteners" to me.
:)


joan told me something bout him..
again..
she said he dont talk to girls that much.
only to his class girls..
















































ahhh..
what the heck.
as if it can change anything..


HAPPY! :)
BE LIKE ME.

i'm pretty upset today.


seriously.. he treats me as if i'm invisible.
ahhh..
sad..
disappointed.
-kills myself-

jez told me.
someone called "ah-ma-li-na" knows that i like him.
gosh..
i must admit, i was abit pissed lah..
her whole squad knows.
-.-"""


that god damn bastards,
SHENGLONG & SEBASTIAN!!!
they din take the chinese test,
& therefore,
the chinese marks which i've scored 67 would NOT be counted in my progress report.
what hell..
i'm SOOO bloody pissed off.
so pissed that i cried.
even lk's mad.
sam's mad.
jie's mad.
only those people who pass would NOT be so fed up.
i'm REAL mad.


i'm gonna fail my chinese,
maths,
science,
combined humanities.
argh.. i was really really low today..
even my ss marks would NOT be counted.

told mdm chang that i wanted to jump off the building.
hohoho.
yilian scolded and hit me.
told me not to do anything stupid.
mdm chang told me how to tell my parents.
but i think that will not work ah..
thnks people..


went to mac with pf, sam, jie & jez.
we're like.. having the "last" happy moments before we suffer tmr.
went to the playground..
suggested by jez.
heh heh heh..
played like wild animals.
after that, had some talks btw ourselves.
i'm sure to get some sun burns tmr!
YESYESYES!!
i love getting dark (:
i had a flashback..
when exactly was the last time i had such fun ever since i stepped into secondary school life?
i had loads of laughs.
which i long for..
thnks guys..
i never did think about taking back our progress report when i'm having such fun.
all the best guys!
i'm sure going to flunk EVERYTHING!!

love ya guys!! :D


treat me as if i'm visible okay?
i miss those times badly..

i feel bad,
i feel sad.


i got 67 for my chinese!
for me, its a big big BIG improvement le.
WOOHOOO!!
lk even tried to "kill" tweety bird with a brick!
aiyo..


din do anything during guides today..
we just had some, "talk" to patch things up.
& i asked HER* a qus bout something,
i felt rage all over me all of a sudden..
she's just so unreasonable,
& she's twisting & turning stories.


saw so many people cried for the past few days..
seriously,
whats this world coming to?


gonna complete my fnn..
tatas! =)


sister of mine;
pls dont let miss lim's comments ruined your mood.
i think she doesnt meant what she says.
if she really wants to see mum & dad, i'll help you.
just promise me,
study harder k? (:

yilian;
dont be so stressed up bout the atoms & such yah?
i'll help you complete it!
no doubt bout that ^^

yesyesyes!
just finished half of the fnn homework.
ahhh.. good gracious!
its so difficult. & i've left minerals.
gonna complete it tmr (:


i dont understand.. again..
why cant microsoft word recongise words like,
"anaemia, haemoglobin, tocopherol, calciferol" etc etc..
hohoho!


I HATE THE SECURITY GUARD,
DAVID!
pui!


i was walking home with jie & puifun;
i was at the front while the 2 of them were at the back.
i turned my head back, and
poof!
MY SISTER FELL DOWN ON HER KNESS!
wahahahahaha!! i couldnt stop talking bout it. xD


james kerk's NOT coming for physics lessons tmr!!
WHOOPEE!!


jessie,
take care k? dont say that you're fat or anything.
you're not,
but i am.
& no one really understands me anyways.

oh wells..

guess wad? our school's name wasnt in the syf list. & most of us did not regret.. its like.
their disclipine was SUPER SUPER STRICT!
the sock must be 4 fingers length above your ankles,
no fringes must be seen,
no flying hairs,
no bun-ing up of hair and no pony-tails.
must be plaits.

ahhhh.. strict strict strict.


went to junction 8 after the briefing.
ate at LJS.

sp & anyu had to leave early for tuition while zubaidah had something on.
so, left the ASG! (:

went to take np's! YAYS!


had campfire at rv ytd. theres only the 9 of us attending it.
& i must say, their gateway was simply marverllous!
& v v high too.
overalls, the campfire was quite fun!
we were quite HIGH at the activites.
i love my sec 5 seniors ^^


getting back our progress report soon.
i know it's gonna suck.
hope for the better!

yilian! if you're reading this,
save it here k? send these to ade or pf when they're online yah? X)



the insane clique; ASG!

my hair must have fallen off. shucks >.<

LOOK AT PUIFUN! watatatata! X))

yl's pulling her eye. -.-""

bunch of monkeys. HELP! pf & i cant breathe! =X

ACT DAO! heh heh heh..

the kings & queens!

*pulls out tongue*

moodswings~

cant take this sheer madness no more.


i'll cry whenever mummy & daddy quarels. why dont they understand?
they thought that when both of them shout at each other, the most hurtful ones are their children.
i dread hearing them quarrel.
hoping for the better*


the homeworks given by faizal is getting harder & harder..
esp the one with tables, the fact is,
i dont know how to draw tables using microsoft word.
dumb~


had an A. maths test today & i've forgotten all about it!
i've been craming for history, fnn & english.
ahhh.. my sec 3 life, so stressing.

intially, puifun promised me that she's gonna let me copy her maths test.
BUT! in the end?
it was i who helped her correct her work, and even let her copy mine!
aiyo..


guess who's the new mr kerk's wife?
MY SISTER!
heh heh heh..
whenever i see james kerk, i'll shout out to him, & point to my sister, & say, "MR KERK! MRS KERK'S HERE!"
hohoho!


i wonder.. why does slim & thin people often say that they're so FAT & UGLY? it doesnt make sense.. if those chio & slim people say that they're FAT & UGLY, doesnt that means those people who're really FAT & UGLY worse?
it just doesnt make sense..
*rolls eyes*


guides today was si bei HORRIBLE!!
i think i shouldnt write it in my blog,
or someone else might see it. worse come to worse, she might read it & get mad & starts to cry.. sheesh.
i'll post it as a draft ( :

& btw! i was really really shocked that your comments towards her was, "neutral".
gosh gosh GOSH.. dont you know that word, neutral, really shocked us all?
dont you know you just hurt your best friend?
disappointed*


okay!
NO MORE DEPRESSING MOMENTS!
seriously, i think the t'chers are going to side with her.
like wad one of the guides t'cher said, she's a girl with potential.
doesnt that means she's gonna be the company leader or any of the ex-cos?
sighs.


zubaidah told me something. i guessed she must have saw my reaction towards somebody.
she told me that her 2 **** (a cca) friends said that i like somebody, which was true.
but the fact is, i dont even know them?
& yet, they know who i like. i guess his whole squad must have known it by now.
cool! ^^


syf's tmr. no one says what time to meet nor what to being etc etc..
i guess they're just pissed.
gonna call them later when their anger cools down.

CHEER UP SHIPING! ADELINE! etc etc..
she's NOT worth your anger & tears to shed for
RMB! theres still me shiping!
rmb those times we had? we're so happy & we're pair no. 2 right? had fun playing those games with you,
i missed those times when we are miles away from the word, unhappiness.
cheer up peeps!
:D


i've craving for a movie. but no money..
fan nao!!
ARGH..


put the past behind,
celebrate those good times we had.

even though it happened once in a lifetime,
i'm contented.


this computer of mine is seriously driving me nuts!! arghhh! stupid connection..


hoho!
i've scored 16/35 for my physics!!
-cheers for me-
i dont know why, the moment i got back my physics paper,
i just started smiling and smiling and laughed.

i've failed. yes i have;
but! its my first time right? bu yao qi nei!
i'll do better next time round :D


i do feel sad bout my results,
so i use my markers to write some phrases at my palm.
i wrote..

"BE CHEERFUL!"
&, "smile like me!"
together with some other emotions.
i must admit, that really did helped alot. i'm feeling much more better after seeing those heart-warming words on my palm and in my notebook.
thats one of my way to keep myself away from sadness!^^

no wonder..
my notebook's filled with THOUSANDS of them!
hohoho!!


cant believe kalis's dropping outta fnn and joining art!! i'm thinking of dropping outta fnn too. gonna ask daddy to write a letter to the principal (:


sometimes, we must look on the bright side.
no matter what obstacles that blocks you,
continue your journey and never give up on yourself cause you're the only one who can save yourself.